In my past two relationships, I have experienced being both parties. First is the complacent one or the person who was too secure for her own good; the person who kept going at her own pace without waiting for the other. The second one is being the submissive one or the one who gave way… all the time without giving the other person room to grow (or to grow in or with the relationship lol).

For the third one, what will I be? I’m too afraid to become either one. I would like to be the balanced one or heck, none of the above. I want to be different not just because my sanity is involved but because I want the next to be, well, forever. At least, I hope the next guy that comes along would be ‘the one.’

Here’s to hoping. For my past two relationships, I began them with a few “love life” resolutions but for the next one, I promise to just have one: go with the flow. I vow to just enjoy.

I’ve finally learned that love isn’t about holding hands or holding on until the guy practically changes into someone you want to be with. No. It’s not about the expectations. It’s about growing in love together. It’s really about communication, acceptance and compromise.

So brace yourself, next guy!

As the plane took off, I literally wept hard. I dreaded the things waiting for me in the Philippines: the continuation of a ‘Psycho’ nightmare (that had begun about 2 years ago), a breakup from a __-year relationship (due to…), the pressures and agonies of unemployment (with the task of seeking for a job and starting over), the complex and tiresome setup of my family’s bickering, and of course, the gloomy walls of my home tainted with sad memories of all that has been. Back then, I renounced my home, was ready leave my friends behind, and was set to reside in another country. Yet, it was too late. I was on the plane, taking the fastest flight back to hell.

Among my many obstacles, this was definitely the most trying. Due to the continuous piling and stacking of problems, July 2011 was plainly the worst of my life to the point that I doubted God. Angry at him even. I loathed waking up in the morning and having to look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t want to see that mess of a person I had become, pondering about the “what ifs…” – something only a devastated loser would do. And that’s the tipping point.

I hid from the world, locked myself in my room and occasionally cried, dwelling on feelings of helplessness and loneliness. Staying at home doing nothing was like being stuck in limbo. I kept myself busy, trying to figure out solutions for my problems (at least the ones with which I had options for) and convincing the world that I wasn’t at the brink of jumping off a cliff. I did small talk with friends through the internet, covering up my dismay and depression with pretentious smileys and “Hahas.” Thinking about that period makes me feel sick to my core.

So many times, I thought about what might’ve been if I extended my stay in the US and never returned to settle things. My sister and my brother-in-law already opened their doors for me and it was really tempting to leave unfinished business behind. However, it would create another world full of woes and worries. I would just be pushing myself into another level of hell. With whatever option I had, I was in a no-win situation.

During the plane ride from a while ago, it dawned on me how things turned out. A friend once told me that fear is useless because the future is always uncertain. How right she was. Even though it was inevitable of me to feel frightened, all my fearing and doubting were actually futile. Now, I cannot fathom ever doubting God.

Today, I came from China, one of the countries I’ve only dreamed of visiting (ever since I caught a glimpse of Chinese culture: elementary). Finally, I was able to experience walking along the Great Wall of China (even if it was only a small part of the entire structure), enter the Forbidden City where thousands of years of history was formed, tread along the gigantic manmade Kunming Lake at the Summer Palace, stand in the middle of the significant but now modernized Tiananmen Square, and gawked at all of the sights I’ve only seen in print and travel shows.

I have also had amazing budget-trips with friends who (this is going to be cheesy) make me feel genuinely happy and loved. Right now, I have a fabulous job with amazing officemates. I discovered hidden talents I never knew I had. I learned so much about health that it’s actually driving the hypochondriac side of me crazy.

Of course, I’ve obtained some time for myself. Everything that’s happened gave me the chance to focus, take care, pamper, spoil, treat, and doing anything positive for myself. Ultimately, I learned that before anything else, you should love yourself because without that, you cannot completely achieve anything.

If I had not come home, I wouldn’t have gained all of these precious experiences and valuable realizations. If I had not braved the heartaches and agonies, I would have never found the people who truly loved me. If I had chosen the cowardly way out, I would have never realized the plan God had for me… for all of us.

People say that we never appreciate the things we have until it’s too late. Even so, I’m relieved that I realized this now. From 2007, things have gone downhill and 2011 was the climax. Now, I’m happy to say that everything is in a state of falling action. Things are finally falling into place.

Tomorrow, a new year will begin and for the first time in years, I feel no fear but only excitement. Who knows what’s in store for me next year? Probably, there are more challenging trials that will test me. But, I am no longer anxious or afraid. I have never felt this confident in myself and in His plan for me.

Starting tomorrow, I will live grateful for every second, minute or day, because these bring me closer to something wonderful. It’s true: there is a rainbow after the rain!

This New Year is but a time to start anew. Happy 2012!

I’m getting what I want – a challenge to prove and better myself. It’s difficult but it’s not impossible to deal with.

God is good to me. I am overwhelmed at how much faith He has in me (even if I’m the first one to doubt myself. )

This dialogue was between the other two main characters in the series. This is how I viewed it. Just copied the subs and I spiced it up a bit (I hope I gave it justice). LOL.

The scene begins as In Hee enters their home and sees Chang Ryul standing by the window. She rolls her eyes as if saying, “Here we go again.”

Yet, Chang Ryul, as if a sudden gush of clarity visited him, called out to her in his calmest state, “In Hee.”
She stopped. “Let’s get this over with,” her expression said.
Slowly, he turned to her and said, “I’ll leave.”
That caught her off guard. Suddenly, the agitation from her face dissipated and only curiosity remained.
Then, he continued. “No matter how it turned out, I’m sorry that I disappointed you.”
It was as if there was a big lump in her throat. She was speechless.

Chang Ryul walks up to her and offers her his hand. Slowly, she reached for his.
As he held her hand one last time, he said, “Don’t mistake the imaginary for reality anymore.”
She swallowed and replied, “I won’t.”
He gave a faint smile and said, “Have a good life.”
Finally, they let go of each other’s hands. Afterward, Chang Ryul walked past her.

Yet before he could leave it all behind, In Hee spoke, trying to stop the tears from falling. “I’m sorry.”
Once more, he turned to her and said, “From now on, love the person you really want to love. And don’t love someone whom another person loves.”
In Hee nods.

But he wasn’t finished. Although the pain was evident in his voice, he did his best to remain composed.
“Still, I really loved you,” he said. “I thought you could only see me. I thought you were staking your entire life on me. So I thought, “Yes. This woman, I’ll look after her.” That’s how I felt. That one thing is the truth.”
After hearing those words, In Hee broke into tears.
Finally, without anything more to say, Chang Ryul bids her farewell by saying, “I’ll go now.”

As Chang Ryul moves further away, he hears her weeping from behind. At that moment, tears of sadness fell from his eyes.

I’ve watched this scene several times before and never did it have an effect on me – until now.